This is their Childhood.

A little preface for those who are new to my blog.

                  I wasn't the girl who would dream of getting married. In fact I never even envisioned my wedding until josh and I were practically engaged and I though crap! I better started planning something. Same with kids. I never wanted to be a mom. Up until a few years into mine and Josh's marriage I always thought I'd be a career woman with no kids living this life with my husband and my husband only. I remember the day I told my mom I didn't want kids and she cried. She told me how much I'd be missing out on and how life is so much more fulfilling with them.

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When I became a mom and it all changed. I loved my little Copeland fiercely. I was obsessed with being his mom. But once I realized I was a stay at home mom there was so much of me that missed working. Being home all day alone with a baby can be hard, especially when you;re use to working full time. I missed having the responsibility of a job. Not that being a mom isn't a job but I missed my co workers, hitting monthly goals, being evaluated. Being a mom is hard, a lot harder than the job I had. But there definitely was a small nagging void in me.

When I had Finn is when life got 100x harder. I can finally step back and see that I was suffering with a mild form of PPD. I had a REALLY HARD TIME with prenatal depression as well. Like really bad. There's a reason why I haven't shared Finn's birth story and I'm trying to find the courage to share it.

After going through everything I had gone through during my pregnancy with Finn and the postpartum time, I wanted so badly to go back to work and to have an actual job. I tried pretending like blogging was my job but let's be real, if I didn't respond to an email it's not like I was going to get fired. I could feel myself slowly getting lost in motherhood. It wasn't a bad thing but I longed for something outside of being a mom. Something that made me feel validated. I was losing myself because I had a baby completely different from my first. I no longer had time to myself. If Finn happened to go down for a nap my attention was 100% focused on Copeland. If Finn was awake, he was most likely crying and I was unable to comfort him for the longest time due to his colic. I needed validation that I was doing a good job.

Being happy in motherhood is something I have prayed about so many times since having Finn. So many times I've prayed for help in being content with being a mom and stopping this need for wanting more. We passed the year mark with Finn less than a month ago. And since then a lot has changed. I've changed. I've grown. I've learned so much looking back on the past year and I wanted to share a little bit of that here. Because for me I feel like out of all of this chaos there did come a happy ending.

I think having Finley and going through what I did with his pregnancy, his birth and everything else I dealt with postpartum has been nothing short of a blessing. A blessing I needed to feel content in my journey through motherhood. Funny how a screaming baby can put things into perspective.

The past year has been overwhelmingly hard. Harder than I ever imagined. My marriage was put at the bottom of my to-do list (pun intended ;) ) and I found my anxiety became practically crippling. I literally felt like my life was falling apart and I had no control over it. Most days were a struggle to get myself out of bed but somehow when you're in that situation you do what you have to do for your babies. You're barely keeping your head above water. In survival mode, but you're there, doing it. Getting through life, barely.

Through all of these trials we have faced in the past year I'm finally seeing that having a such a high needs baby has made me realize just how important being a mother is. God works in mysterious ways, indeed. Just by holding Finn I'm able to comfort him. No I wasn't able to comfort him while he was sick with Strep/colic (our doctors are still in disagreement over what they think he had), but now if he's crying all I need to do is wrap my arms around him and the tears subside. It's all I've ever wanted to do. Comfort my baby.

I remember being in the thick of his strep/colic period and wanting so badly to just comfort my crying baby and rarely being able to. I felt so broken. I felt so useless as a mother. But now I'm able to make him feel safe, loved and cared for. That feeling of being valuable is there. When Copeland hugs me and tells me thank you for making him a sandwich at lunch time, it is the sweetest thing in my whole world! I'm needed in my home. Not at a job that I thought I wanted, not online as a blogger, taking photos (although when I have the time to, this is something I truly enjoy), but in my home. I'm not saying to lose yourself and your hobbies but for me I needed to take a huge step back from what I thought was important; social media. That was my hobby and it was destroying my ability to be a mother.

I'm needed in the messy, mundane duties of everyday life. I'm needed to wipe away tears, to change poopy diapers so my little one doesn't get diaper rash, I'm needed to get snacks for grumbly tummies, and to play Go Fish so I can teach the importance of not being a sore loser. This is where I'm needed now. This is where I'm valuable now. Someday my babies will be grown and their need for me will become less and less but right now I'm their lifeline. I'm their comfort and it's the most important job for me. Life as a mom is busy and crazy but it's seriously the greatest thing us moms will ever do. I still love IG and my blog and social media in general. And when I have the time to I love to post. I love sharing photos. I love sharing our daily happenings.

As my kids grow older and I yearn for more babies and I'm learning that I don't need a job to help me feel fulfilled. What I needed and what I've done over the past few months was to throw myself completely into my marriage, motherhood and God.

I think especially now more than ever with social media it's easy to think that being a mom isn't enough. You see so many women kicking ass at being bloggers, running businesses all while being an awesome mom but for me all I need is to be a mom. That's it and that's enough. Being a mom is enough. 

The other day my mom and I were talking about this and how difficult the past year has been. My mom has been by my side through all of this. I'm so lucky to have such a great mom! I can tell her anything without feeling judged or ashamed.

As we were talking about how hard it has been but how special it is now she told me something that stuck with me. We were at the park watching Copeland run around and Finn was waddling his way down the park path. They were laughing and squealing. My heart could've burst it was so precious. My mom and I laughed and she said while looking off at my babies, "Natalie, this is their childhood".

This is their childhood. These are their memories, their habits forming, their personalities developing. This is their childhood and they are still innocent little children who need a 100% present mom and dad.

The most important work you will ever do will be within the walls of your home.

House Update: The Floor Plan

Yay! I'm so excited to share our floor plan with you guys. It's been such a fun part of the home building process to deign a home that fits our lifestyle and personal needs. Like I said before, our home is pretty modest in terms of new builds in our area. Josh and I were talking about how excessive homes have become. While we were driving around Salt Lake last week we drove by the old charming homes around downtown and talked about how different it would be to raise a family in a 800 sq. ft. home and then you get to our city and each home has around 1,000 sq. ft per person living in the home. So much space! Something Josh and I loved and hated about our old home was the space. We always talked about how it would be the perfect home if the living room square footage was put into the family room. That home was a little over 1,000 sq. feet total. But we loved it! We were close and the tight living space was actually really nice. It was just the family room that was extremely small, especially when we'd have guests over.

Our new home is a little over 2,000 square feet of finished living area with an additional 2,000 square feet of unfinished basement that will be used for storage. The thing we love most though, is the lot. The half acre of land that has endless possibilities (Josh and I already are thinking of the landscaping we want to do over the next two years. I'm thinking pool, he's thinking basketball court ;) ) but I'll save that for another post.

So let's get into the floor plan.
It's not the best quality. I'm trying to figure out how to make it more clear.

The first thing we knew we did not want was a living room. We never used ours in the old house so that was out the window. We instead made the family room, kitchen and dining one big area. We also moved the staircase to the basement into the entryway to open the area up a bit more.

The entryway and family room as well as the master bedroom all have vaulted ceilings which we are pretty excited for. I'm have dreams of wooden beams and ship lap ceilings.

Something we weren't sure on and made a last minute change to was the double french doors off the back of the house. We initially had a single door going out to the porch and after talking with the architect and our builder we decided to go for he double french doors with transoms. I think it will look amazing and will help open the area up a ton during the summer. Plus our view of the mountain is something we don't want to hide.

The kitchen ceilings will be 9' to be able to have the kitchen cabinets go up to the ceiling and we also decided to make the island a little larger to make room for a double farmhouse sink.

One more thing we knew we wanted from the beginning is a window in every room. This made tweaking the plan a little harder because a window in the laundry room was a must. Our architect was amazing though so he was able to get everything just so to be able to optimize as much natural light as possible.

Everything else in the floor plan seems pretty self explanatory. We are getting so anxious as the process continues and I can't wait to start talking about the design aspects of it all! Tile, flooring, sinks, vanities, railings, furniture, decor, I just can't wait!

Oh and I know I keep saying I'll talk more about the process and numbers so here is a bit of whats been going on with that. When we closed on our lot we had to pay $55,000 towards the loan as a down payment. When we close on the house and the construction loan and lot loan are merged into one mortgage, we will put down the remaining $30,000. That will be our 20% down give or take depending on what the actual price of the house comes back as when we go to close.

Also, one of the reasons why we started so late on the house was because we found out that we might have to bring in better soil to make a better starting ground for the foundation. The bank had to rewrite our loan putting in an additional 10,000 dollars! Josh and I were pretty bummed about that but what do you do? Once we broke ground, the geo-tech came out to do an analysis on the soil. We got the reports back this week and they came back perfect!!! So now that $10,000 can either be used for upgrades in the house or not used at all and be taken off the loan (and off our mortgage) come closing time!

Do you guys have any specific questions you'd like me to answer regarding the home build or anything I've talked about so far? I'm trying to remember everything that's been happening so far ha.