Late Night Talk

I always have these late night thoughts pop into my head as soon as I lay down for bed. They always seem to come into my mind when I've had a hard day. I really want to keep my blog a place where I can open up because life isn't always a perfectly manicured picture. So here's my list for tonight. 

1. I'm having such a hard time finding myself since having Finn. After Copeland I also felt like this but it didn't last quite as long. This time its definitely taking longer and I'm thinking it could be that getting back into shape, now that I'm nearly 30, is much harder than it was 3 years ago. It's hard on your self esteem and getting back to feeling "normal" when nothing fits like it use to and you just feel very blah in everything you try on.

I also think the whole "not feeling myself" could stem from the fact that Finn is such a high needs baby compared to Copeland and that finding time for myself is nearly impossible. Getting ready during the day use to my thing. I know that sounds so vain and selfish but getting ready made me feel like a woman. Not to mention being ready and feeling good when Josh came home was great! Now when he comes home he's most likely greeted by this woman who hasn't showered, has her hair up in some unwashed mess of a ponytail with absolutely no makeup on and one who is feeling so defeated. I felt put together when I got ready (obviously) and taking that time to myself was really nice. It was easy to do that with Copeland because he was so easy. Finley is a little monster you guys. If I'm not holding him every second of the day I get to listen to non stop screaming and him pawing at my legs. It's been really hard and I know I haven't talked a lot about it lately because it did get easier for all of a few weeks but now we're back to the wanting to be held all day long. Getting ready has become a weekend thing when Josh is home to help me with Finn unless I can somehow force myself to get out bed before the little beast wakes up. Which wouldn't be an issue if I weren't waking up several times throughout the night still. 

Okay moving on.

2. I feel like I've learned so much in the last 3 years. Or more so just in the past year and a half. Coming up on my 29th birthday this year and I'm feeling very old compared to my friends who are just a few years younger than me. Which seems so odd, doesn't it? With such a little age gap why am I feeling like there is such a huge mental gap? Did anyone else feel like this when you turned 29/30? I'm just finding the things that were life and death a few years ago are so mundane now. Topics that my younger friends find so interesting or the latest gossip I'm just so over. I feel like I've grown up a lot in the last year. I can't help but think it may having something to do with Finley's pregnancy. I know it's something I still haven't wanted to talk about too much on here and I'm sorry for being so vague on the topic. But part of me wonders if that may have something to do with this feeling that I've aged so quickly over the course of just a year and a half. I just have been feeling very old lately. It could also have to do with the fact that I'm running constantly on 4 ish hours of sleep a night? Who knows! But dang, mamas got some bags under her eyes and the patience of toddler waiting for cookies to bake. 

3. This goes with topic #1. I posted a late night ramblings posts a few weeks ago and had it up all of a few hours before taking it down. It can be so hard putting yourself out there and getting criticized for everything. But it is something I wanted to share again. I had a sweet friend email me who happened to read it while it was posted and her email after she read it made my whole week so I thought I'd share it again here and let you take it for what it is. It's pretty similar to the above but just a little different, I guess. 

"I've been feeling a little bit less than lately. I remember feeling this way after I had Copeland. Just feeling a bit blah. It could have something to do with PPD or just that my hormones are still working themselves out. Either way it's a totally crappy feeling. I'm not myself and I've been feeling completely uninspired lately. 

I've been wanting to get back into shape but it's been so hard. I feel like I'll never get back to where I was because I have absolutely zero motivation. After I had Copeland I was SO motivated and inspired to get back into the gym, get a little muscle back and eat super healthy. This time around the last thing I want to spend my precious time on is going to the gym. I'd rather have a bowl of ice cream than eat one more piece of bland chicken and I'd rather catch up on my sleep over everything else right now and I'm already 9 months PP. 

I feel like all of this is pulling me down harder. I know working out and getting my body moving and cutting most of the refined sugar out of my diet is what I'm craving but its been so hard you guys. I'm just not myself. I'd like to think I'm not the only one going through this. And honestly there's really no point to this post other than I needed to let out some of this that's been really weighing on me. That and it's another night where I can't seem to turn off my mind and fall asleep so here I am. Rambling about nothing. When josh came home today he came home to a wife that tried to get ready for him but desperately failed. By the time I got the house cleaned, dishes done, laundry folded, kids happy, I had no time for myself. No time to shower or put on a little mascara. No time to sit and meditate for even a minute. It's funny because he always suggests I take a night by myself to go out, go run errands alone, go to the gym, etc but the last thing I want when he gets home is be alone. I want to be wrapped up in my family. 

I'm trying to find my happy again and it's been harder than I thought it would be. I'm hoping once I stop nursing everything will go back to normal and I can start feeling like myself again.Although I adore nursing my sweet Finn, I think it's taking a huge toll on my mental health."

I really hope this post doesn't come off as whiny. Please someone tell me if it does. That's not my intention. It's 1 am, I cannot sleep for the life of me (again) and I'm just really looking for some support, I guess. Also would anyone be interested in a fitness challenge group? I think it would be so fun to have a close group of women to help motivate, encourage and inspire one another :) 

(I cant figure out why this font won't shrink to it's default size. Argh! It's driving me crazy)


MsDamer said...

Thanks for the great post! No judgment here. I'm 38 and pregnant with a third boy and I feel like I'm a decade older than all my friends who are just a few years younger than me too! When you have a clingy baby it's hard to get out, and that always makes me feel down too. All your feelings are totally understandable and valid! If it makes you feel better, I just let me little darlings scream while I put on my makeup for a few minutes. It's a few minutes of upset for them but it makes my whole day better to spend that time on myself :-)

Unknown said...

I'm not a mother yet, but just wanted to let you know that your post definitely doesn't come off whiny! I can tell you that I was in a funk for a few months, and something that really helped me was putting up quotes about gratitude so I'd see them each day. That constant reminder was really helpful for me. Hang in there girl!! Love your blog, let us know about a fitness group!! I'd definitely be interested in hearing your secrets! :)

The Girl who Loved to Write said...

It doesn't come across whiny at all! It's real, and that is refreshing. I had a baby last year and I share many of these same feelings.

Liberty Kiehn said...

Hi there Natalie! I've been following your blog and youtube for years, since before you had Copeland. I've always enjoyed getting a sneak peak inside your life and your style and beauty. But I really love your honest posts like these. I'm just writing to tell you that I appreciate how open you are being! I'm pregnant with our first and having symptoms that none of my friends or sisters have had (at least they say haha) and I feel so alone sometimes...I'm also finishing up my last semester of RN school and I'll be turning 30 on my graduation day! I completely hear what you're saying about how the most important things in life have completely changed. I feel that I seam almost insensitive at times but I think that I'm just keeping my circle small... even if it is really small... haha =] I really appreciate you taking the time to post and will say some prayers for you and your littles, you are such an inspiration to me and I just wanted to tell you not to be too hard on yourself. I know that I can't really relate to how you're feeling exactly but just try not to compare yourself to everyone's "highlight reel" haha I know that it's hard when everyone is all over social media to not compare yourself but I just remember this saying that my Gram says, something along the lines of "you don't know what others are facing and if everyone put their troubles out in a pile you might just go reaching back for yours". Not even sure if this is helpful to you but just thought I'd share =]

Brooklyn Jamison said...

Thank you so much for being real and posting these thoughts that so many of us mamas have but just don't know how to say it, or feel guilty for it. I completely understand how you are feeling. I just turned 31 and after having my 2nd boy (he just turned a year old 2 weeks ago), I've been so unmotivated. I feel so tired and blah everyday and literally have no idea on how to get out of the funk that has taken over me. Every time I try and get ready, I get so frustrated because it always ends up being more stressful than just letting myself go and not worrying about it. But then I wonder, would I feel better if I had made myself look better? I signed up to do Beachbody at home and literally did it for 2 days and quit. I am always so tired! You aren't alone in the way you feel. I keep telling myself, it will get better, and I sure hope it does. I love my family with everything I've got but I think we all need "me" time but that seems much easier said than done these days!

Girlmama14 said...

I love you blog!! This has so been me lately! I have a four year old and 9 month old also. After my first I was back in shape in now time and after my newest littles I am so tired because she doesn't sleep through the night I'm having such a hard time being motivated!! None of my cute clothes fit and when I walk by a mirror at the store I feel huge! I'm also having a hard time finding myself again also. I love my girls more than anything but I totally understand mama! Your not alone 😊😘

HelloCopeland said...

Thank you so much for your comment. It's so weird feeling so old but having a such a small age gap between friends. That's totally true though about not going out with a clingy baby. Josh and I even rarely go out as a family because Finn is so fussy I can feel the side eyes from everyone when we go to a restaurant. And you're right! I really just need to take that time to get ready or even just take a shower real quick haha

HelloCopeland said...

Oh I really love that idea! I'm going to try that, thank you!

HelloCopeland said...

Thank you so much! That means so much to know I'm not alone

HelloCopeland said...

Hey girl!! I love that saying, and it's totally true! I think we can be so hard on ourselves at times. Congratulations by the way! I hope you pregnancy is becoming easier. I had horrible feelings during my pregnancy with Finn. Things that only my close family knows about. It totally messes with your hormones. But when you see that baby it's worth it all! Although it did take a while for me to connect with Copeland and I had a great pregnancy with him. When I had Finn I connected right away and part of me thinks it's because I resented being pregnant almost my whole pregnancy with him that when I finally saw his sweet little face I was just in awe and so in love. I'm really excited for you! Being a mom is full of so many joys even though it can be hard at times. Thank you again for your sweet comment it means a lot!