Hello friends! As you may have noticed (or maybe not ha) I've been a little MIA for the past few months.
There have been many reasons why I've strayed from social media but the biggest reason is that we are
expecting baby #2 and already 16 weeks along! I'm sure most of you have already guessed this though :)
I also just truly needed to take time away from social media to focus on my family. They are the most important
parts of me and I owe them my time and love and my blog and Instagram were getting in the way of that.
And to be honest this pregnancy has been miserable both mentally and physically. When I found out we were
pregnant I was extremely excited. I called my 4 closest friends that moment the test read positive to share
the news and couldn't wait to tell Josh! I ended up telling him at a work party with a balloon art stork and baby.
I also started thinking about all the ways I could announce the pregnancy on social media and was so excited to
share it with all of my friends here!
Around 5/6 weeks into the pregnancy I started getting morning sickness pretty badly. Josh and I had a trip to
Disneyland already planned and so we went. We didn't want to be out of hundreds of dollars just because
I was a little nauseous haha. It was a ton of fun but obviously being that early into my pregnancy with the
morning sickness was not ideal. And I'll never forget that moment I threw up in front of hundreds of people,
had the Disneyland nurse come help me and watched as the crew quickly cleaned up the throw up
out of their perfectly manicured flowerbeds. Never again.
When we got back, the morning sickness definitely got worse and worse with each passing day. Not only
was I extremely nauseous, I also starting feeling extremely anxious (more than I normally am), depressed
and completely unmotivated. This all sounds pretty normal for being so early in pregnancy, with the surging
hormones and such. But something was off. This was different.
In June Copeland and I were rear ended while stopped at a red light. There wasn't too much damage done to
my car but the damage in my neck was pretty severe and I started seeing a physical therapist for about a
month before Josh, Copeland and I were rear ended for a second time. This time we were stopped on the
freeway off ramp and rear ended by a truck going about 50 mph. The hit of the crash sounded as if a bomb
went off in our car. I wasn't sure what had happened and instantly started crying when I realized how badly
my neck was hurting and after checking on and seeing Copeland screaming in the back seat. After the accident
we were all pretty bad off and started seeing a chiropractor which has helped so much! A little less than a
month after that accident we were stopped at a stop sign waiting for some people to cross an intersection
and we were hit into AGAIN. Three car accidents within a couple months of each other.
I soon started feeling extremely nervous while driving and would notice my heartbeat would get so intense
and I'd just start crying. I would constantly be checking my rear view mirror and I wouldn't drive on the freeway
at all anymore. I hardly left the house in fear of getting into my car and being hit. It got so bad to the point of
just being in my car would have me start envisioning these horrible crashes that would end with
Copeland being sent to the hospital and I being crushed by a car.
I finally started talking to Josh and my mom about how I was feeling and my mom suggested I see my doctor
for my anxiety. The day I went to my doctor was the day I took a pregnancy test at home. The doctor confirmed
my pregnancy at 3.5 weeks before diagnosing me with PTSD. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Call me
uneducated but I honestly thought PTSD was something that was only for those who have been through
severe trauma. Like the soliders who had seen horrific things overseas. How is being in a few accidents that severe?
The doctor explained that certain things affect people differently. What might have an effect on me didn't
on my husband. And what might effect my husband might not effect me at all. He told me that being in those
accidents so close together brought out and triggered some intense emotional feelings in my subconscious.
He recommended a couple different prescriptions and to talk with a therapist about it.
And well, call me dumb, but I ended up declining the prescriptions and never found a therapist. I've always been
an extremely optimistic person and so I thought it would just go away. After getting back from California
I thought I was fine, mentally. We had the best time and I thought that was all I needed, time away to heal.
It wasn't long until I started feeling extremely anxious again. I thought it was just the pregnancy. Once I
started noticing myself not wanting to get out of bed morning after morning, even on the days where I felt good,
I knew something was off. When I would get out of bed, I would just move myself to the couch (after making
Copeland breakfast, of course). I wouldn't say I was a complete failure as a mother.
I soon started hating looking in the mirror. I hated what I saw. When Josh would get home I would just go
the bed, I didn't want to be around him and things I once loved I now dreaded. Going to the movies, to dinner,
going out for long drives after getting slurpees or hot chocolate. Nothing was as good as staying in my dark room.
I was completely unmotivated and just didn't want to be pregnant anymore. I once was so excited to announce my
pregnancy and now I felt like I wanted to hide it from everyone. I would pray every night for the strength to
find happiness but when the morning came I dreaded it. I dreaded getting through the day trying to act normal.
Family and friends started noticing I wasn't myself. I rarely smiled, laughs were forced and I shut out anyone
who tried to contact me. I just wanted to be alone.
I started feeling completely unattached in this pregnancy, to this baby. I would pray about that as well every night.
When I did pray I noticed it helping me become a bit more connected towards this life in my tummy but it
wasn't like it was with Copeland. With Copeland I was over the moon. I was also working full time and
way more sick than I am this time but none of that mattered to me. I got through it with a smile on my face.
I was so extremely happy that I was carrying a little life that nothing seemed to get me, even throwing
up multiple times a day. And now here I am, of course I'm nauseous but rarely throwing up and this time
around the nausea is controlled by what and when I eat. I'm not working now although having a toddler
is pretty much the same as working ha. But I just felt... sad. All the time. From morning til night. Never
any let up. I would cry at the drop of a hat. I felt so incredibly alone, even though my husband tried everything
to help me. And maybe this sounds like normal pregnancy symptoms, for me it was different. I didn't go through
this with Copeland and so I felt like something was wrong. I felt extremely alone although I was the one intentionally isolating myself.
When I went in for my 12 week appointment I brought up how I'd been feeling and felt so guilty when I
had to tell him I never saw a therapist after the anxiety appointment I had made. My doctor is such a wonderful
man though. He gave me some truly great advice for how I was feeling and knew how I felt about prescriptions
so he suggested I start keeping a journal. He told me he knew how strong I was, how optimistic I use to be
and he told me he knew I could pull myself out of this but it would take a lot of work and mental strength.
I can't tell you how much that little thing he said meant to me. To have someone believe in you when you don't
even believe in yourself is something I really needed to hear. He also performed an ultrasound and we got
to see our little one. Already being so emotional after talking with him for 35 minutes about how I'd been feeling
and then seeing this little being move about was so emotional for me. I think the doctor knew it was what I
needed to get my mind into thinking more positively, along with the many other positive and spiritual things he
said which I so desperately needed to hear in that moment.
I did started keeping a journal. I would write down how I felt morning and night. He told me on the days I felt
good I needed to force myself to get out of bed, get ready and get out of the house, go for a walk with Copeland
or just go sit in the backyard with him, no matter how awful that sounded to me at that moment. He said fresh
air and vitamin D were the major things to really help lift up this sadness that was weighing me down.
It did help, the fresh air, but it was getting out of the house that was the hard part.The state of mind I was in
made it so hard for me to get a grip and get myself to do the things I knew would help.
Now about a month later I truly feel so much better. I had many days where I struggled and I do still sometimes
get into those dark mind days. Josh and I have been going for nightly walks which has helped so much.
On the days I don't want to do anything but lay in a dark room by myself I push myself to do it for Copeland.
He needs me. Every ounce of energy I have is spent on my little guy. And when I see his smiling little
face saying "mommy you wake up now?" I can't help but cry and feel so loved and wanted. For the longest
time It took everything in me to be there for him but it's something I needed to do. He is more important that myself.
Also, something that has brought me so much joy in this pregnancy was finding out baby's gender.
When the nurse told us the news I felt so much peace and love and instantly felt the connection I had been dying for.
Whew! That was a lot of information. And I now sound like the worlds worst mother, huh? But I felt like it
all needed to be put out there so you can sort of understand where I've been and why it has taken some
time to get back to blogging and social media. I have really missed blogging. It was such a huge help for me
as is journaling. I definitely needed to step back however and focus on myself and my family. It was the
best decision I have made but now I am so very excited to get back to it. As far as Instagram goes, at the moment
I don't think I'll be posting as often as I was (everyday was a bit too much for me) But I definitely want to
document this pregnancy through pictures and Chatbooks on Instagram. So I will try to start doing that more
Thank you guys for reading!! I appreciate it so much :)
Has anyone else felt this way during pregnancy or from any other traumatic experience?
I've found myself feeling so alone in this because I feel like people will think I'm crazy.
It's hard to open up and let yourself be this vulnerable so I would love to talk to you about it and how you've dealt with