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First off, I have to thank Glam Fete for the amazing party decor that 
I cant wait to use in Copeland's nursery after the party! 
They have the most amazing party decorations!
You must check out their shop!
Beautiful Gold Glitter Name Banner Can Be Found HERE 
Adorable Faux Cake Pops Can Be Found HERE


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Part of me wants to cry and part wants to rejoice.

I have a one year old.
I grew a baby inside my belly for 41 weeks.
I gave birth to him and then fed him, changed him, loved, kissed, and nurtured him for the past 12 months.
I cried being so tired and cried from being so happy. 
I've laughed, smiled, and even snorted because of this little boy. 

Looking back on the first nights and weeks home from the hospital it's hard to
remember the state of delusion I was in from the waking every 2 hours to nurse.
I remember being so tired and stumbling into walls or stubbing my toes on door jams
as I carried myself and Copeland into the other room. (We didn't want to wake daddy
when he had a full day of school ahead of him) 

My how things have changed. Copeland now wakes, cooing around 7 am instead
of every 2 hours and although I still find myself stumbling at that hour, it's unbelievable
what a solid 7 hours of sleep can do for a mama. 

I can't even begin to describe how becoming a mother has changed me. 
But if I tried I would say becoming a mom and being a new mom is everything and
yet nothing of what I expected. It's so different and yet so familiar. I know that doesn't
make sense, but there's no other way to describe it. I feel like I was meant for this for
forever and yet it's all so new and I'm learning more about myself now than I ever have before. 

Looking back on the past year I regret so many things that I did or didn't do as a mom. 
Looking forward I see the mom I want to be. I see the child I want to raise. 

Just recently Copeland has become so disinterested in nursing. The thought of this breaks me.
I find myself yearning to nurse him and yet he's grown out of it. He's weened himself.
Part of me feels like I'm loosing him. Like I was only given a short 12 months of bonding time
and it's all come to an abrupt stop. It's incredibly hard. In fact I hate it. I hate not having that time
at night or the morning nursing sessions in bed. It's such a weird feeling I have. It's as though he's
being taken away from me, like I can loose him any second. I don't know if this is normal. But it's
how I feel and I hate it. 

Copeland is growing so fast. He learns something new almost everyday. It's incredible.
He's becoming more and more independent which I love and hate. It's amazing watching him
explore and try things on his own but it's hard knowing that there will be a day when he won't
want to give me kisses or hugs anymore. When he won't cuddle on the couch with me because
he'll be so busy playing trucks or exploring. 

This past year went too quickly. I feel like I failed to capture every moment with him.
To remember every smile, every giggle, every new thing he did. I can't remember it all and
I want to so badly. 

I love my son so much. I want to give him everything. I want to be the mom he can count
on, the mom who encourages him and the mom who will always be there. I want him to
always be able to count on me, to talk to me, to learn from me. I want to be his playtime
friend, book reader, lunch maker, sing a long song mom.  

I want so much for him but I always want to encourage him to be himself. I want him to
know he will always be cared for, always looked after and always loved.

I love you baby boy. So, so much!

5 comments :

Val @ Chicken Scratch. said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY BOY!!!!!!!
It's so exciting and such a blessing to see a happy and healthy baby grow into toddlerhood…but it's heartbreaking all at the same time. There are no words to describe how fast it goes and how much a regret you end up feeling like you didn't soak it in enough. But you did. YOU DID.
Welcome to toddlerhood. Its SO MUCH FUN! Their ideas…and starting to talk. Its seriously such a joy to see them thrive and become their very own little person.

Amanda Larsen said...

Girl you took the words right out of my mouth! I miss my baby. This post made me so emotional because I totally understand. But it is so fun to watch them grow up! It's such a conflicting feeling. I think being a mother is a job that will bring us our greatest joys as well as our deepest sorrows. These little boys are parts of our souls it's miraculous. Congrats on your first year :) you are a darling mama and have a beautiful son! And happy birthday Copeland!

Tiffany Torgusson said...

I know EXACTLY how you can feel all of those emotions at once! My son will be 1 in just two short weeks and it kills me. I hate that I can't remember every single moment with him. I wish I could bottle up every moment and save it to open and cherish whenever I want. They grow way too fast. It just isn't fair!

Meagan said...

That was so sweet. Happy Birthday Copeland! He's lucky to have such a great mom (and dad)! XO

Amanda Rinehart said...

I can relate to your feelings about nursing and self weaning. My daughter self weaned around 11 months, and I felt so lost! Maybe even almost "offended" for lack of a better word. I didn't put my breast pump away for a good couple of months after I was done breastfeeding either. I refused to accept it! LOL. But you will find... it is actually kind of liberating. Having your body all to yourself again. Heart breaking and freeing all at once, like so many other things in motherhood. Happy Birthday to your little! <3